prayer

in this last week a lot of my prayers have been on guidance. Surprisingly Ive ran into my old fire crew-5 on a call and 2 at church that have stood out. I've had many run-ins with these people before but they have stood out more than ever now. Am i supposed to go back and try again or is it a sign of not giving up in my current situation? do i face the past or move on with the tools i have been given? its almost as though I'm searching for that post-it note on my forehead and yet there it is and i have no clarity on it all. maybe praying for clarity is what i need to seek out along with guidance. or maybe the answer is right in front of me and I'm not willing to look at it for what it is because the fear behind it is greater than the faith i need. i guess ill keep it simple and continue to do whats in front of me and have faith that the fear will subside and the clarity i need to move toward what God has planned for me. its a daily walk in obedience to Him that will show me the way to do the footwork i need.

update

Everytime I look at my Blog I always wonder what stopped me from continuing on. It's clear that when I'm doing it I enjoy it. Then i get distracted, distant, or what have you and it takes me almost a year to get back to it. I always think I have nothing to write about but as soon as my fingers hit the keyboard they are off and running.

So my last real entry was when I got kicked out of school. This subject hasn't been so easy for me to deal with. I've done column work over it, prayed about it, talked about it. I went to write a letter to it and ended up writing a letter to myself. A very condemning letter may i add. Reviewing the letter I realized just how much I dislike myself and just how much perfectionism is still a huge part of my life. I was asked if I'd ever say the things i pinpointed in this letter to the 5 year old Katie. My reply was absolutely not! So then the next question was - then why do you continue to treat this Katie as though its OK? It was brought to my attention that God forgave me so why cant i forgive myself and am I really that much more powerful than God that I can just place myself above him? This stung because there was a lot of truth to it.
I have learned in this last year that the more tough things get the more I seek out God for answers. I can at least say I've grown a lot in this area but why do i continue to try and take back control rather than just surrender to Him completely. Well... because I like difficult. Heaven forbid I keep it simple and allow him to manage my life.

I've since found my way back to the church, have gotten re baptized, and am now in small groups learning more about his word and applying it to my life. What a relief it has been so far. I'm a lot easier on myself even though I still have times of doubt they are getting fewer and fewer. I just got 5 years of sobriety and am currently waiting for the big "pop" when my head comes out of my butt. I'll let you know when this happens.. until then I'll just wait muffled and continuing to pray for guidance and willingness.

Katrina Lotson's Life as a Paramedic

Ugh, what is she talking about?! I thought to myself starring out the window of the ambulance. My names Katrina Lotson, and I’m a paramedic for the city of San Clemente. My boss has a funny sense of humor and likes to place the newly hired EMT’s on an ambulance for 72 hours with ME.
This time it’s a 5’4, 160lb, 22 year old girl, that maybe got her EMT certificate 2 months prior. I’ve managed to fade her voice out to the radio but came to as she was talking about her new boyfriend getting his ass kicked by an alpaca. Where do we find these people?
We just got done with a patient and decided it would be best to get something to eat in case another call gets dispatched to us. I turn up the music. Lyrical Gangster is playing and she’s still talking. I turn the music up louder drowning her out and sing along dancing to my own tune. She’s looking at me crazy. How can you look at someone crazy for dancing when your boyfriend got his ass kicked by an alpaca!
I’m not saying I’m so much better but c’mon… I’d like to think I’m a little more classy than that. I’m 5’nothing, 108lb, 26 year old fireball redhead. Literally. I don’t date men that get their asses kicked by an alpaca. No, I date the emotionally unavailable kind. And if they are emotionally available they turn into 3 week OPA’s (obsessive, possessive, and aggressive). So needless to say, I can’t complain, but at least my men don’t get their asses kicked by alpaca’s! HA!
We come to a halt at a signal to turn left into a shopping center. Kurplunk. What the hell was that. “What happened?!” I asked. Newbie looks over at me ghost white, deer in the headlight eyes, “ I don’t know? I didn’t hit anything! Nothing was in front of me, I swear!”
“Calm down. Pull over into the parking lot and turn off the unit. I’ll take a look and see what it was.”
Newbie pulls into a Goody’s parking lot and slowly, very slowly, is trying to stop.
“What are you doing? Just pull over and stop. There’s no need to impress me with your parking skills now!”
“I’m not. The brakes are locked up. I’m pressing the brakes to the floor!”
Cripes, why me? We finally come to a stop I get out of the ambulance and look around. So far so good. No dents, scratches, or unwanted blood marks. I kneel down. There's a puddle. Not an air conditioning drip. Of course not. It’s fluid. It’s pink fluid and there’s a lot of it. We get on the phone with dispatch they place us out of service, tell us to head to the mechanic, and advice another crew to pick us up.
We merge on to the 1 Pacific Coast Highway. The advised crew is 10 minutes behind us on the 1. Not wanting to make matters worse I heard if you turn on the heater it’ll help cool down the engine. Mind you it’s the middle of summer and over 100*. We turn on the heater, roll down the windows and cruise to the music. Not so bad after all.
Clink, clink, clink… Are you kidding me?! Is there a candid camera?! Now what?? I look out the window, smoke.
“Pull over! We’re going to blow!”
“What do you mean we’re going to blow?”
Before newbie could get anything else out of her big mouth, black smoke arises under the hood. Oh Lordy… This is just not my day. We pull over and jump out fearing the ambulance may explode at any moment. Transmission fluid... EVERYWHERE! Smoke rising, toxic fumes, and cars honking and whistling as they drive by. This is what my life has come to.
Ten minutes, five moon shots, and one topless show later, the other ambulance arrives. They pull over get out and look at me. I don’t recognize the EMT, but the paramedic is laughing at me. It’s Mongo. Mongo and I went to Paramedic school together in San Diego. Oddly enough, the first day of school I was sitting eating my lunch and he walked up to me. He asked if he could sit down and after five minutes into conversation we not only both lived in San Clemente, but we both were associated with the same people. We began carpooling to school together and since then he seems to always “pop up” when I get myself into something humiliating.
“You always seem to amaze me, Katrina.” By now I wonder if that’s how he starts up every conversation.
“What’s it this time? Threw a rod? Drove over something too high? Didn’t see the mailbox?”
“Very funny… But, yea, I think it’s another rod or something. The transmission is all over the asphalt.”
He shook his head and got on his radio to dispatch. Ten minutes later the tow truck arrived and Mongo and his partner drove newbie and I back to the station. We got out, waved to Mongo and off he went. We were out of service until another station brought us a reserve ambulance.

I've learned a lot lately about myself.
During my time off, I bought a new book, I started learning a word a day in Swahili, I (yes, Linda) began doing the artist's way, and I've made progress with my sponsees.

When I first came into the rooms, I was scared. Not only was I scared, I was insecure, helpless, useless, non-negotiable, and most of all I had given up on myself years before. My life, My self-respect it meant nothing to me. I was given desperation before I could see it was a blessing. With desperation, I was given fellowship. With fellowship, I was given a sponsor. With a sponsor, I was given my family, my life, and my self respect back.

You see, as days go by even years, we still have bad days. We still have those days that we feel less than, insecure, scared, and want to give up. Those days I wish desperation. With desperation I found these rooms. I wish fellowship. With fellowship I've found friends that make you talk when you don't want to talk. They feed you Ben and Jerry's while they listen to you vent until YOU hear how insane you sound. They make you sit down and watch inspirational videos of failures before successes. They love you and support you when you can't love yourself. With a sponsor I've been given tools to problem solve, live in the solution. I'm given guidance that God forgives us. If we can't forgive ourselves, than we're saying we're more powerful than God. And I'm given my Family back to give me their experience, strength, and hope dealing with my difficulties. My life and my self- respect I've earned. I don't want to give up because giving up is only going to take me back to where I once was. Charles Swindoll once said, "life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it." And I do know one thing- You're not going to make me have a bad day or get loaded. As long as there's oxygen on this earth and I'm breathing, it'd going to be a good, sober day!

I'm not wired to sit around...

A dreamer never really stops dreaming...

Monday morning, I arised for school, did my normal morning routine and then headed out to Riverside for school. I was pulled into the office with one of my instructors to let me know in a few minutes I'll be sitting with the director about to get dismissed from school. As I walked into the directors office, he mentioned an appeal. My thoughts at the time was- at the end of the day its still not a 75.

Irrationally, I had a few several hours until I was due back to pick up the guy I car pool with, I drove off to Newport. I sat at the water for 30 minutes (because that's all my meter would take, without change machines), sitting on the wall watching the waves crash on the shore, long boarders of different levels- some owning the waves, gliding gracefully and confident as they walk across their board riding this wave with smiles; while others jump up and then the board jumps up, flying across the air and being swept around the shore break with smiles. I watched as people ran, walked, skated, and biked along the boardwalk behind me. Seagulls talking within themselves trying to get food left behind. Business men sitting in their cars on their lunch break watching the scene as they eat their lunch. Life was still going on around me. I got back in my car and drove up the coast highway to Huntington and then back down the coast highway to San Clemente. I received a phone call from my fellow carpooler saying he has a ride home and no need to wait around. I decided to head back to the desert. When I got back I headed to my parents. I walked in, sat down, and cried. My head was going in all different directions and they were not very positive. I talked to my sponsor earlier and she said no matter what don't pick up and don't get drunk. I almost laughed when I realized that had never been an option. I did however at that moment at my parents house say- For the first time in my life I couldn't use drinking as a reason for my failure.
I think that was when I realized I was giving up on myself. So, I asked to take a week off of work and it was given to me. I was going to not make any decisions, I would only rest.

I'm not wired that way. I found out with documentation of my learning disabilities, I could appeal the dismissal. I was given steps to go about it. I emailed my doctors and within not even 2 days- they have written letters about my disabilities. I was also given information about other schools I can attend- if I decide I want to do this, I have $1,500 toward a school, and a possibility of a scholarship for $2,000. I also have the option of going to COD and taking their science courses and enroll in PA school.
I'm still not making any decisions at this moment, but I do know I have options. I had this set plan that if I was kicked out of school I would not go back and completely change careers. Well, I got kicked out and going back to a 9-5 job does not sound in any shape or form anything I want to do. I'm not done yet. I'm a fighter... It's just how I'm wired.

hold on!

I grew up off rutledge Ave and I have a few friends. My neighbor plays his music outloud nightly around 2a coming home from the bars.I listen and just turn over in bed. Buying a condo almost 3 years ago, living alone sometimes left me confused. But it wasn't long till I was blessed with a roommate and finny (her dog). My roommate being my best friend I've never fought with since 5th grade. Two afraid girls and feeling alone. We came together in this life and held on. We both work to put ourselves through school the best we can. Everyday we wake up to make our gains finding its easy to attain but so hard to sustain. But it won't be long till we find out where we belong in this world. Whether we're feeling confused, afraid, or alone we remember two words, hold on. She's coping with pain of things what she's left behind, I'm feeling the multiple pressures that cloud my mind. You can see it in our eyes rubbing them all the time. We've experienced independence isn't always so kind and life isn't always so easy. But we have our friendship and we hold on knowing it won't be long till we find where we belong in this life and as long as we hold on and keep pushing, keep climbing, and keep the faith, we'll continue to be humble and grateful for where we've been.

denial

So I've finally come out of denial.

For the last 4 or so months I haven't been eating meat except for the occasional "test". This test consists of (as some alcoholics do) telling yourself, reguardless of past experiences this time will be different. See, I suffer from IBS and being lactose and tolerant. Unfortunately in my case, its pretty extreme. So even meat irritates my stomach, as does chicken and fish as well. So when I say I've come out of denial it means just this: I say I lean towards vegetarian and can't have dairy products when asked about my diet. Ok, the reality is I'm vegan. There I said it. IM VEGAN! I've decided to stop torturing myself with these occasional tests and just come to terms that I can't eat like other people. Lol, I think I just did step one and step two. Anyway, with that being said I feel a lot better. Thanks for listening to my awakening.